Confessions of a XIF ( X-Men Facilitator)
I grew up thinking I was a bit mad. I was told that often enough.
“Do you know you’re crazy thinking that …”
“What do you mean you see what’s going to happen? Don't be silly.”
“Goodness, your imagination?!” I was made wrong for a lot of what I was aware of.
With all those projections on me, I was told I was many things. Weird, a little crazy, stupid , and a nutter.
Kind friends I had, huh?
In fact, I wasn’t crazy. I was just aware in a different way.
I grew up in a time before "on the spectrum" was something society accepted. I was labeled as sensitive, cognitively slow and hyper.
The signs were all there. I never spoke before until I was 4 years old. I was hyper-sensitive to everyone around me (noise especially).
I was uncontainable; a moving, dancing, screaming, running, ball of energy. I hated to be touched.
When I did learn to speak, I would miss words.
Things move constantly around me when others said they were stationary; trees, statues, mannequins, paintings, the floor. I bumped into things that others couldn’t see.
I spoke to my sister in my head. It was all too slow and I wanted it to go faster.
I thought everyone functioned the same way.
It’s difficult to describe what my life was like as I was growing up and going to school. It wasn't easy. It wasn't fun.
In my mid 20's, I trained as a psychotherapist in mental health as self-preservation. Mainly to get clarity on finding a solution to the “mad emotions and thoughts” I felt bombarded with. It was in fact during that Psychiatric training that I was diagnosed as "on the spectrum" with autism, ADHD and OCD. These labels didn’t open up my world. These labels were at that time still a wrongness, a madness in the psychiatric hospital where I worked; especially with the staff around me. For 20 years I ignored this diagnosis, ignored and switched off my sensitivity to being awre of past, present and future, my aware body, and my uniquely intensely aware being. I continued to stop the world around me from moving and being in motion.
It took so much force to contain all of that ‘wrongness and keep it hidden.’ With all that force, eventually something had to give and I was diagnosed with various auto-immune disorders in my late 30’s that stopped me with an implosion of disability.
When the joyousness of the Access Bars, Access Body Processes and the Access classes showed up at my door, I knew I had found something that offered space to me in a new way. I began the journey of letting go of everything and everywhere I had stopped me; the journey of unfolding myself to opening up and allowing me to be me… even if it meant I was wrong in the eyes of others. Different. Strange. Weird. Unique. Evolution. Capacities. Strongness… Those were my new words.
Allowing myself to be everything I never allowed myself to be, can be intense! And, I say yes! I choose to embrace the unique. I choose to continue to unfold and not be bound by wrongness.
Thank you Access Consciousness and the X-Men body of work that has gifted me so much in this unfolding, knowing of me…
Today I stumbled on a video that reminded me of how I functioned before the assistance of the Access tools; which was most of my life. It was a reminder of how grateful I am to have tools that help me create what I need. Gone is the wrongness and in its space, an acknowledgment that I have always known this difference and this uniqueness is an evolution. :)
Here are 2 tools you can use daily to assist:
What if 98% of your thoughts, feelings and emotions are not yours? What if you are in fact a Big Psychic Sponge Bob that picks up on the thoughts, feelings and emotions of everyone around you?
What you can ask is “Who does this belong to?” send back everything that is not yours – with consciousness attached.
You might be amazed at what this tool can create in your life. Try it for 3 days and see what changes.
2. Being infinite space
Close your eyes and find the outside edges of you. Are you inside your body or is your body inside of you?
This is infinite being where you are the space that is everything. When you acknowledge that you can be more than anything, you cease to be at the effect of it. It means you can change it.
Being infinite space is a muscle you build. Like the exercise above, if you “feel stressed,” ask, “Who does this belong to?” and return to sender everything that is not yours and then expand out. Be infinite space. Bigger. Bigger. Bigger. Keep expanding until your body sighs and you sense more space.
These are two of the tools I have used to create more ease for me and my body. Try it and see what changes for you!
by Jeni Be CF
It’s a joy for us to announce the evolution of X-Men, with more X-Men Facilitators choosing to create for you worldwide . Check out all the X-Men Facilitators here