The 3 steps to heaven~ my Dad, death and me...
My husband and I moved in with my Dad a year after my mum's sudden death. My dad actually did not need help he was independent, we were building a house, he was helping us out. It was an easy choice for us all.
What surprised me was after 30 years of living apart from my Dad, I was under his roof again and something occurred that was not cognitive;
I lost my adult self.
I had returned to the family patterns of being a child, I re-entered this download, of a kind of full picture and energy of "his house/ His rules".
It was an unsaid contact between us, an energetic blueprint of how I should be in his space. When he said something I jumped to attention I reacted to create his demand. If I didn't do that as a child I would get raged at or even a smacked bottom. I 'knew" as a 44-year-old woman he wasn't going to hit me BUT it was weird!!! I was reacting as if he would. I could perceive all this "happening" and the memories of this. I asked to choose something else. I began to unpack this situation for me with the access tools.
As a child I had all the symptoms of being autistic, I was brought up in a society that "being on the spectrum" was not yet a word or world of support. I struggled with being different in a world that could not receive me. I am only now as an adult learning to be with all that I am aware of. My mum and dad called me sensitive and hyper-reactive. To work with me they placed strong limitations on me to stop my "disruptiveness ".
Nowadays I would be called on the spectrum of ADHD, OCD autistic.
My dad was a force to be reckoned with, he was an energetic bulldozer, he would direct his energy, his way of how I should be, on to me as a kid. His anger was like a physical blow to me, I could hear his thoughts, his intentions of how he wanted me to be, there was no question of what I required it was always done as I say!
I lived my childhood in the box of who I should be. I did everything to work within this box so I did not get floored by this force. I did not know I was psychically aware but I knew when my dad was coming home. I would "hear" his car from miles away, and would read his mood. If he was stressed from work I would quickly draw him a picture or find a favourite magic trick to show him as he came in the door. I knew if I changed his mood it would be easier on my mum and sister, and our evening meal would be more fun together.
All these memories of who I was and what I did as a child to "save" the situation and disrupt his angry mood from the family. With the family, I was a chameleon. I was always changing for others, this allowed the ease and flow of happy energy into the family. I now note that who I should be for them did not include much of who I am or be.
As I began to acknowledge this from my adult space, I knew I had to change this. My own reaction to this remembering me was an eruption of a volcano of anger, that had been suppressed for so long it flew out of me. I saw where I was in survival mode against this man and his anger for all of my life. I was so grateful to have the access tools this time. I used many to help dissipate this deeply suppressed anger.
I unpacked more of my childhood responses at this time and began to get more of the pieces. Asking for all the projections, expectations, rejections, separations and judgements, of me, from me and about me. What I energetically heard from Dad, my Mum my grandparents.
I ran the clearing statements on this for months as brought up the judgment of me and I began to let it all go.
I also ran so many access creating loops and listened to an amazing telecall called distractor implants from Gary Douglas and Dain Heer again and again. There were a lot of lies and bought points of view about the "who I should be in this family". What I should react to with anger, & rage and how my Dad used this to control situations.
I began to see more of these reactions play out;
like I was so on edge to "hear" his reactions, I perceived them and was instantly aware of what would happen after that anger hit. I would attempt to change this by taking on all of that, all of who he was, as me.
Like some survival response, if I could duplicate that energy, I could clear it from him through me before it hit me or the family. I acknowledged what a gift of a child I was for this family. What I did to survive those energies.
Using the "Who does it belong? " tool for 6 months on every thought feeling, sensation and emotion i "had" allowed me to find out more of pieces of this full pattern, that were not my own points of view or energies.
After 14 months I was clearer of who I was in his space. ( Yes, this is a way of being me I had to re-learn it was not an overnight thing.) I began to honour me more and in turn, this allowed me to acknowledge my Dad as who he was beyond what I had previously thought. In essence, I saw him as a man with faults yes he was forceful and angry and he had a kindness beyond what I had known before as my Dad. That anger of what he "did to me" where he didn't allow me to be me, began to dissipate.
I acknowledged that; I also did not allow me to be me, so what if I can choose this now? This was the gift of Access Consciousness to remove the blame and anger and open up questions and possibilities of different choices. I had cleared my point of view of blame, resentment and anger and more.
Things changed, even more, when my Dad was diagnosed with terminal heart problems. This strongly energetic man became even stronger and more forceful, while his body became even frailer. He was still with his strong projections of who he thinks I should be and how I should act. I stepped up my way of non-reaction to him. When he was angry, where I would normally react, I dropped my barriers and resistance to this and asked a question to myself to be different .. I opened up to him more. I spoke about the honouring and of who he is, what he created in his life with business, his pragmatic choices, my mum and the love between them. Importantly that without this I would not be who I am today.
What opened up between us was the more I became vulnerable and without reaction, and able to be in all spaces with him, the more he was able to allow me to be me. In turn, he became this vulnerable man that allowed his barriers to drop too.
Even at these difficult months of this painful death we spoke a lot about life, death, dying and the end. We became closer and he began to honour and acknowledge me in a different way.
Gary Douglas said in a recent call "When people do not see when you are being you, they will invalidate you": for most of my life, I had tried to be for everyone what they needed me to be. I divorced my own self in favour of who I believed that I should be, for Dad, for Mum, for family, for friends for my husband. The access tools have given me the choice to choose a new me, to honour me, to allow me to be beyond all the wrongness, to JUST BE ME.
I have the greatest gift,
My Dad died holding my hand, he left me acknowledging the gift I was was him and most of all to me :) I am very grateful to have had these tools at this time.
Jeni Be is a worldwide Access Consciousness Certified Facilitator & X-Men Facilitator inviting you to a world of possibilities where no limitation is greater than you.
Read more about or contact Jeni here www.jenibe.com
Welcome to the world of Jeni BE